Need
by mangyhalfbreed
Summary: Another Halloween comes and Remus mourns the deaths of his friends in solitude. Until, that is, he is found by Tonks. Their vicious cycle of loving and leaving continues. Perhaps it will never end.


"You should go." Remus muttered, slumping further against the wall. A near-empty bottle of firewhiskey laid in his hand. His blue eyes narrowed, focusing intensely (or as well as he could manage, given the fuzzy sensation overtaking his brain) on the floor. She couldn't be here. Not now.

"No." Tonks murmured quietly, the door being shut behind her. She sounded equally worried and, well, shocked to see him in such a state. "But thank you so much for the wonderful greeting. I feel very welcome." She rolled her eyes subtly.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, voice uncharacteristically lifeless. There was a hint of wariness to it as well. He and Tonks had not parted on very amiable terms. Which was his fault, of course.

She merely moved towards the spot where he sat and crouched next to him on the floor, unable to bring herself to touch him just yet. She tucked a lock of brown hair curtly behind her ear. "For not seeing me in weeks, you don't sound very excited. Don't I even get a hug?" But her attempt at a joke fell flat.

Lupin closed his eyes as if he were in physical pain. The werewolf camp... Christ, he didn't want to think of that place. He didn't want to think of having to go back in a matter of days. He didn't want to think about leaving Tonks behind again. He didn't want to think of anything. Especially not about today, not about...

A heavy sigh escaped her and Tonks placed a hand on his forearm, her fingers closing around it in a soft squeeze. He swallowed hard and he hung his head.

Halloween.

"Remus." Tonks whispered, urging him closer.

James, Lily.

"Sweetheart..." She tried again, pulling him closer still. "Oh, Remus." She kissed his forehead softly, arms encasing him. Right now it didn't matter - the fact that Remus left her, the fact that things are still so uncertain between them. It doesn't matter. What mattered now was helping him deal with the grief currently settled in his very bones.

His arms came up and around Tonks and he practically crushed her to his chest while dropping the bottle of firewhiskey in the process, their bodies now half-laying/half-sitting awkwardly upon the floor.

"I'm here. Right here, love." She whispered again, rubbing soothing circles on his back in between his shoulder blades. "Mmm, right here." Tonks continued her soothing mantra and Remus' breath caught in his throat.

"Gone... They're all _gone,_ Tonks." The liquor in his system loosened his tongue. Sober, stoic Remus would /never/ say such things. "My friends... All of them..."

"They're not gone, Remus. They're still here - they're still with you. They always will be." She spoke directly into his ear, hoping sincerely that she could somehow reach though to him. "I am, too." Her arms tightened around him and he clung to her as if she were the only thing left anchoring him to the Earth.

All of them had left him, one by one after the other. All of them except Tonks. Tonks, who loves him so dearly. Tonks, who refuses to give up on him. Tonks, who has never willingly left his side. His breathing was slightly ragged as he fought back tears. "I should've done more. It was... I should have-"

"Stop," Tonks said forcefully, her hair taking on a slightly lighter shade of brown. She pulled back and took his face into her hands, smoothing the bangs off of his forehead. "There was nothing you could've done to save them. Nothing. But if there had been a way, you know you would've done anything to protect them. Am I wrong?"

He shook his head vigorously. His eyes met Tonks' directly for the first time since she arrived. His heart was breaking. "I'm sorry, Tonks." So sorry because he knew... He knew that he would not lose his resolve. He could not ruin a girl so precious as she. This changed nothing. He wouldn't let himself drag her down with him.

If only the world were a better place.

Tonks' hair darkened once more but she hid her pain well. She looked down for a moment and pulled away, taking his larger hands within her smaller, softer ones. "Let's not talk about it right now. Come on, you have to sleep this off," she said dejectedly. She stood up slowly and cautiously pulled Remus to his feet.

But he did not move away. He hugged her to him once more and she stiffened momentarily. "I'm so sorry," he said again miserably, a single tear begrudgingly escaping and plummeting to the ground below. When was the last time he cried? Since Sirius' death, most likely. But he didn't let her see. Remus bent his head and pressed his face into her hair. "You know I lo-... You know that I..."

He couldn't bring himself to say those three simple words. Her lower lip trembled but she kept herself strong. This was time to comfort him, not to break down. (Not like she hasn't gone through several breakdowns on her own already, anyway) "I know, love," she breathed.

Remus cautiously pulled back, eyes still glistening. Tonks wiped the slight wetness from his cheek with the pad of her thumb. How was this possible? How was it possible to love a man so greatly, knowing perfectly well that he has no intentions of ever being with her? It's almost like some kind of sick joke. God, is she trapped. Trapped, because no man can even come close to him in her eyes. She brought his face down hesitantly and kissed the corner of his mouth. "Bed," she mumbled. Lupin didn't appear to be listening. Several moments of uninterrupted silence passed...

Before he lifted her chin and kissed her again by means of response, one hand resting at the small of her back while another cautiously slid up and into her hair.

Tonks made a distant noise in the back of her throat but it was swallowed by him almost instantly. Right then, something snapped inside of both of them. Her eyes rolled into the back of her skull and her arms found their way around his neck. The pure, unbridled need they have for each other was slowly peeling apart their sanity at the seams. Remus forced her backwards until she collided with the wall where she let out a grunt upon impact. He growled lowly, a sound which was only REMOTELY human and kissed her harder, Tonks' lips moving frantically to keep up with him.

Remus tore himself away from her face almost reluctantly and moved his mouth down her jawline before running his teeth along her neck in a very desperate manner while she raked her fingers throughout his hair. He inhaled deeply and couldn't help the small groan that escaped him. She tasted distinctly of vanilla and he felt weak in the knees. He was utterly drowning in her.

She tilted her head back, allowing him complete access. Because it was clear to her that this is not a matter of want. No. This is electric - this has a mind of it's own. This is, as previously stated, _n e e d_ in it's truest form. And she will always give Remus Lupin anything he needs.

"Remus," she gasped deliriously as he bit down onto the spot where her neck meets her right shoulder. Her eyelids fluttered shut, fighting off the nagging voice in her head which was screaming to be heard.

_Nothing will change. He will leave you. He will _always_ leave you._

His lips found her own once more and he urged her body upwards, her legs wrapping around his waist. He shuddered pleasantly.

_- leave you behind. You're nothing to him. Nothing but a-_

"Love you, Dora. Love you so much," he panted breathlessly, making for the door with her in his arms as if their lives depended on it. Though it took more effort than it would've normally if he had a clear head.

And Tonks knew that the battle with the voice was over for now. She will lose herself to him as she always does. Need... It's all a matter of need, regardless of what happens in the morning.


End file.
